How to Fight
“We each carry with us some pain that helps keep us fighting for what we care about. Use yours to spur you to action.”
Being raised in a quiet Chicago suburb in the 70s and 80s doesn’t exactly qualify me to speak to how to fight.
My idea of excitement growing up was to ride my bike solo … a full eight blocks to the local pool.
And with two older, protective brothers never too far away, I always carried a “do you know who my brothers are?” in my back pocket, just in case. (Did I mention that they were cool too?)
So, just to be clear … I’m hardly the poster child for street smart, cool courage. Instead, my shrink-back, please don’t hurt me quality is a near-constant companion in everything I do.
I don’t like pain.
Emotional
Physical
Social
But there’s something I dislike even more than pain, and that is being F***ed with.
Whether that was the boy in third grade who kept pulling my braids (yes, I knocked him down, pinned him, and punched him)
or that same boy who kicked snow at me while wearing a skirt (whose friend stopped my fist just before it hit his jaw) …
I know that I have a tipping point if someone jokes around at my expense.
(Full disclosure about this boy … he was actually my friend … which is probably why I was even willing to fight him. I knew he wouldn’t beat me up in return. Nonetheless, he did learn that I didn’t like being teased.)
As a parent, I’ve had to set really clear boundaries with my children around my body. They know not to punch me, or block me from being able to see or hear. And I’ve taught them to have those same standards for themselves. In our house, we only accept hugs, kind touches, and gentle wrestling. And whenever someone has had enough, they just say the word, and the game is over.
Which brings me to my passion …
teaching people to love themselves enough to protect and honor their bodies.
You see, as much as I don’t like being messed with, what I like even less, is when I see it being done to others.
Whether that’s done by
making someone feel unimportant
shaming someone for how they look
or picking on someone for being themselves
… it BOILS my blood.
For someone who is bigger and stronger than another, to stand looming over them in judgment and condemnation is an affront to the restraint and care we all need to have towards one another.
Here’s the thing, I believe that people who act like monsters, are actually writhing in pain. These are wounded tigers, still with the knife in their side, waiting for anyone willing to come close enough to swipe at.
Most of the time,
they’re not conscious of what they’re doing
and are incapable or unwilling to consider the other person’s experience.
If that is indeed the case, what do we do?
I believe that although it would be nice for bullies to shape up and start being nicer, this isn’t going to happen if that’s how they’ve learned to feel powerful in their lives. As Frederick Douglass wrote: “Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.”
As it is with strong-armed people. They are not going to hand over the control they’ve gained. It’s how they feel alive and gives them a sense of control.
Instead, the burden gets placed on us to stand strong.
I had an incident within the past six months where an angry 6’6” man who wanted to do personal training with me (on his terms), stood over me trying to cut me down. If you don’t know me, I’m just shy of 5‘4” tall, and a whole 128 pounds.
I stood my ground … on my policies … and in my shoes where I was standing.
I didn’t budge … or cower … or flinch.
Instead, I smiled and told him I understood where he was coming from, and gave him permission to find another trainer.
And that’s what years of training my body and mind for strength has allowed me to do.
When I was five years old, I was powerless against the strong clutches of the bully who would tickle me well beyond when it was fun. My only recourse at that age was to wet my pants so that he would let me go.
As an adult, things are different. I’m not beholden to anyone … least of all someone who tries to make me feel small.
If you’re up against someone who seems intent on tearing you down, whether they are someone you love and that’s the only tool in their toolbox when they’re hurt, or someone in a position of power based on their size or position, here are a few things you can do:
Have compassion
when it comes down to it, a person’s poor actions are based on a habit. Although it doesn’t necessarily serve them, it’s what they know. Seeing them as a human being who is actually doing the best he can with the tools he’s been given, places him in the person category and takes him out of the monster one.
Back up
if you’re getting hurt by someone, it means that you’re too close … sometimes that’s physically, other times it’s emotionally. By backing up, we start to get a clearer picture of what’s their stuff and what’s ours. It’s too blurry when you’re up in their face and they’re in yours. [This said, if you are dealing with domestic violence, please call the national hotline at 1−800−799−7233, or visit https://www.thehotline.org to get guidance and help]
Take up more space
it’s easy to believe the lie that we should take up less space. It’s just the opposite. We need to take up more space … by standing taller, walking with purpose, and holding our ground when disagreements arise.
Of course this is all easier said than done. But the truth is that it is possible.
It IS POSSIBLE to
forgive those who have hurt you
move on from a relationship dynamic that has you in a choke hold
and to take back the reigns of control in your life - for your body and mind
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For all these reasons, in my purpose to help women love the person in the mirror, I provide the tools to help you stand strong against whatever forces are trying to knock you down.
In my Subscription Fitness online program Consistency for Results, I help you get stronger physically, so that you stand taller, take up your rightful space, and claim control of your body.
Through my Life Coaching offerings, I help you get stronger mentally, to Claim Your Courage, Recharge Your Joy, and Love the Woman in the Mirror.
And through my private FB Group Strength for Life in a body you love, you can join likeminded women who are looking to get stronger spiritually to live more fully in their health.
Reach out if you need to learn how to fight. That’s what a coach is for … to help you stay standing where before you would have been knocked down.
-Coach Rebecca
“As an adult, you’re not making space for bullies anymore, because you have stuff to get done and goals to reach.”
-Rebecca Boskovic